The story of our elf on the shelf begins last year in Target,where I paved the road to failure from the very beginning. On the end cap is the official elf on the shelf with book set and instructions,a stuffed elf,elf accessories and a DVD featuring the elf. Due to a genetic trait that pushes me to get the best deal on anything,no matter what,I do the math in my head and find I can purchase the stuffed elf,a skirt and the DVD for less than the official looking elf with the boxset.
I didn’t really know anything about the elf. All I knew is that people were posting pictures of an elf doing crazy things on facebook and that was enough for me to be thrown on the mission of getting my kids an elf so they would not be deprived of an amazing childhood with spectacular memories of an elf who does magical shit and gets in all sorts of funny predicaments,but apparently not so much that it would propel me to research the elf or know anything about it.
So I take the elf home,take it out of the package and let the girls play with it. Because I am so cheap and didn’t purchase the book and am too lazy to even google the damn thing to know how it works,I tell the girls my own made up story about the elf and how she is watching everything they do and uses the phone to call Santa at night. They name her Winter and take turns sleeping with it.
A few days into this elf calling Santa on the phone charade,we finally get around to watching the DVD. Do you know what happens in the DVD? (and probably in the book if I had ever read it). The elf freaking dies because the kid touches him. Yes,so B is holding the elf while learning that touching it kills its soul.
There is panic.
I am immediately launched into an explanation of how their elf is special and must not be affected by human contact. I mean obviously that must be the case- the elf has been moving around at night…doing really lame stuff like sitting in different places throughout the house, but nonetheless,moving,so our elf must be cooler than other elves and she is indeed still alive.
Also- the revelation that our elf is supposedly flying to the North Pole each night? Really elf on the shelf creator? I feel like my phone call to Santa was a bit more believable,but OK,I guess we will go with your stupid idea since it is in the movie and everything. So,I also have to make up something to cover up this inconsistency in the story.
The rest of the Christmas season passes without much more trauma. Nolan starts putting some effort into the elf adventures and lifelong memories were made by all. (insert giant eye roll)
Side bar: Is it disturbing to anyone else the amount of lies we tell our kids and it is not only acceptable but expected? And how gullible are the children we are taking advantage of that they just take all this in as fact?
So fast forward to this year- and apparently now our elf cannot be touched or she will lose her magic. This adds another level of complexity. What if your kids touch it without you looking just to test if you are full of shit with this whole elf business and the elf keeps moving? It is too much pressure. I seriously need to do a more thorough job of investigating this fad shit before jumping on the bandwagon.
The days of waking up sitting straight up with panic over what you did the night before are replaced with the panic of your kids waking you up with “Mom- Winter didn’t move last night. Is she dead?” She spent two nights in the freezer because we forgot to move her. My groggy response was “Maybe she just got stuck in the freezer.” I could immediately tell this is not the correct response by the look of complete terror on their faces. I replace it with a “OR maybe she just really likes the ice cream in there!” This is followed by speculation from them that I probably accidentally touched her when I was helping myself to the ice cream and killed her. I refrain from calling out the blatant lapse in their memories that they used to sleep with the elf and never killed her. Again,I remind myself that I brought this elf home and got myself into this never-ending nightmare.
So as we near the end of this Christmas season and Winter’s soul makes its trek back to the North Pole while her limp plush body sits in a bubble bath made of marshmallows,I believe I could use a bubble bath of marshmallows myself.
Congratulations to all of the parents who have made it through another year keeping the Christmas spirit alive because not ruining this for our kids gets harder every year for me. I say stupid shit constantly and then try to cover it up,hoping that even if my kids know that this is all a huge lie,that they will pretend that they don’t because I am not ready for them to not believe,I am not ready for them to grow up. So if that means doing dumbass shit with a stuffed elf and bold face lying to them,then god damnit,that is what I am going to do. So Merry Christmas my fellow bullshitters! We have survived another year of amazing memories for our children!
