Going Through the Big D

My divorce may not look like a “typical” divorce, so I have created a handy guide to your questions about my divorce:

"Are they getting divorced?  I still see them together all the time."

We have been a family for 11 years.  That doesn’t magically disappear overnight.  Sometimes I don’t know what the right answer is. (OK, most of the time) 
Are we together because it is easier to do what we have always done?  Is it confusing for our kids for us all to be together after we have talked about divorce?  Maybe yes to both, but each person needs to figure out what works best for them and go with it.  I genuinely enjoyed being with my family and still do.  We have a lot of fun.  I am still trying to figure out how to reconcile that with no longer being married to their Dad.  I will keep you posted.

"But I don’t understand what happened?  Everything seemed fine."

That is the thing about other people’s lives: other than it being absolutely none of your business, you have no idea what is really going on in someone else’s relationship.  It is a very intimate thing- marriage.  There are so many different working parts and even the two parties involved don’t always know what is going on.  Two people who seem perfect may have serious issues and people that appear to hate each other might have a really healthy relationship.  Again, if it isn’t you living it, it isn’t your place to make assumptions.

"But I just asked her how he was doing and she didn't mention it. Are you sure?"

Do you know how awkward it is to answer a question about your husband with “Oh, we are getting a divorce.”?  So I just didn’t do it.  I didn’t want to make other people feel uncomfortable or feel like they needed to pitty me, so for the most part, I didn’t address it.  I plastered on the smile and pretended everything was OK.  I am socially awkward to begin with- throw a divorce in the mix and I just completely shut down.

"Those poor kids."

Yes, divorce sucks.  It really does. It is hard as an adult to hear your child say they would rather be with their Dad when you make them do their chores. That sting will not lessen with time. It is hard on everyone involved, but especially the kids who have no idea why their lives are being turned upside down overnight. 

In the court ordered class about how divorce affects your children, they pretty much dedicate 90% to educating you how much you have screwed your kids up by making this decision.  Did you know that they are now far more inclined to be divorced themselves?  Do you know there is a higher risk of them being involved in criminal activity or otherwise acting out? Do you know that this whole experience can literally just fuck them up?

They are going to be fine.  I know some kick ass adults that are from divorced families.  I know some pretty shitty adults who came from two parent homes.  It is a toss-up.  I will just keep loving them and pray for the best.

"I hear she drinks a lot and is getting around."

I am finally realizing how little of what I have heard about other people is actually true and I feel pretty shitty about believing them and spreading rumors myself… but honestly so what if I was?  I am a grown ass woman and what I do on my time is none of your business.  If it isn’t directly affecting you (which it is not) and it is not harming my children (which it is not), move along!

"Did you hear she took him for his 401K?"

Do you know that Iowa is a no fault state and divorce is 50/50?  I am sensitive to this one because I have made some pretty harsh judgments on people when I had no idea what was really going on.  There is no “lawyering up” when it comes to assets, there is no taking him for what he is worth or getting revenge through money.  It is equal.  Also, divorce is really expensive...so is re-buying every kitchen utensil.  So in summary: no new boobs for this old lady. 

"What was up with her facebook post?"

Dumb.  I hate when I am passive aggressive.  I really wish that I could just never act that way ever, but sometimes all the frustration, sadness and fear bubble to the surface and vauguebooking happens.  I am sorry for these posts.  I was really trying to keep it all in, but sometimes I failed.

Divorce is nasty.  It is hard emotionally, mentally and physically.  The parties are intentionally hurtful to each other pretty much all day every day. For 8 months, I haven’t been able to sleep, focus, or function normally.  The best way to describe it is being a zombie.  A really, really scared, sad zombie.

I have cried and yelled and doubted myself. I have gone through periods of coldness.  I have wanted to run away.

But I have also laughed. 

I found support in some of the most unlikely places. People I did not know well reached out to me, sent me encouraging messages or stopped to tell me they were thinking of me.  I grew closer to the friends that I needed to have. The real kind that love you at your ugliest and would literally do anything to protect you at your weakest.  The kind that aren’t afraid to tell you when you are making poor decisions or hurting yourself or your family.  Everyone needs tough love now and again. 
My family is amazingly supportive and my parents let me move in for periods of time and spent hours shampooing carpets and cleaning my new place.  My sister gave me furniture and all this has helped me feel at home in a new place.
I can’t thank these people enough. You have made life bearable and reminded me that I am still a Mom and a daughter and a sister and a friend and that is enough and worth getting out of bed in the mornings for.

I have also learned.  Divorce has taught me not to talk without knowledge.  It has taught me to be humble.  I judged so harshly.  I felt superior.  Then, the bottom fell out.  It has taught me to be kind.  You never know what battles someone is fighting or what burdens they are carrying.

One of the worst parts for me was keeping it a secret.  My wish is for no one to feel that way.  You don’t owe someone else the courtesy of anonymity.  I am not telling you to air your dirty laundry, but you also don’t need to suffer alone, shoving down emotions.  It is OK to talk about it. If you ever need someone, let me know.  I would be happy to give you terrible advice and help you make ill informed decisions.

http://youtu.be/tzB3JB-0zk4

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