Pastor Tim asked a few months ago for all of us to think of a time when we had been saved. He said we all have one of those stories. The unexplainable push to do or not do something that may have just spared us. I have two very distinct times my life was saved. Once right before I had Blakelyn- 9 months pregnant, standing in a snowy ditch after my car slid off the road, and climbing that ditch with my ginormous, swollen, pregnant body when all I wanted to do was stand at the bottom and cry. I hadn’t really thought why I should climb out of the ditch, but moments later, a car, sliding in the exact same spot, crashed into mine and sent it directly into the path where I had been standing. The second was right after delivery when the bleeding wouldn’t stop and the doctor’s had run in, brought my family in and prepped the OR. Then as quickly as it had all started, it stopped.
The big question for me is why.
As I near my 30th birthday, it has given me an excuse to reflect on my life. I spent nearly all of my 20s trying to appear and act older than I was. I wanted no one to have to pause and do the mental math to figure out I had had a baby right out of high school. I was constantly overcompensating…a Napolean complex of sorts. Anytime anyone did guess my age, they always overshot by at least 5 years and I always took this as a compliment. I had achieved so much in my short life right? I had a good job, a college degree, a home, a child, a husband, a car, minimal debt. Isn’t that what life is about?
My main goal in my 20s, was to achieve success; to make the “Top 30 under 30” list in Grand Island. I worked long hours. I went to class at night to complete my degree. I volunteered for resume building organizations. All of my efforts were focused on building the appearance of success. I was focused on achievements to share with others at the bar when I came home over Thanksgiving break. During these years, I felt powerful. I felt like things were really happening for me and I was on the brink of real success. The thing I wasn’t (if I had stopped to notice), was happy.
We moved two more times and somewhere along the line, I got discouraged. I realized that no matter how many hours I worked or how many presentations I gave or recognition I received, I was empty. It made me realize that I wasn’t going to be fulfilled fulfilling someone else’s mold of success or through work alone. Three years ago, I did a lot of soul searching and re-evaluated the meaning of success. Success is different for everyone and I realized this for the first time. Mine was different too.
The past three years of my life have been as close to successful as possible. Happy. I let go of the past and mistakes I had made (even the really big ones). I forgave others. I moved back to my hometown and committed to living not for work and ego, but for my family and wonderful community. I was home in time for supper and homework. I spent weekends with my family. I volunteered for local organizations because of what they did for the community and others, not what they did for my resume. I started to fill my soul.
For those of you who don’t know, four months ago, I had another reset of sorts. Life as I knew it has changed and as I face my 30th birthday, I am again re-evaluating my life and preparing to start a new chapter. The future is as uncertain for me now as it was the day I moved back home from college, pregnant and ashamed of the future success I had “lost”. The difference this time is I have some wisdom under my belt. I will not fill my life with vacant attempts to appear OK. I will not wish myself older or waste years chasing approval from others.
I have also learned that people are infinitely resilient. Really, what other choice is there? I know that the heaviness of the present can only lead to greater things. It has so many other times in my life following tough times. I’m still working, but I know I am blessed.
I struggle with my faith, but God saved me. As I talk to Him and to my Grandma, I know that there is a reason. Maybe it is to speak what others keep inside, to combat the loneliness and isolation, maybe it is to volunteer where I can, or maybe it is to raise two future leaders in my talented daughters. Maybe it is something yet undiscovered and that I have been blessed with the time to find.
I hope you all have a story about when you were chosen to have more time. I hope you share it. Most importantly, I hope you know there is a reason you are here.
