Going Through the Big D

My divorce may not look like a “typical” divorce, so I have created a handy guide to your questions about my divorce:

"Are they getting divorced?  I still see them together all the time."

We have been a family for 11 years.  That doesn’t magically disappear overnight.  Sometimes I don’t know what the right answer is. (OK, most of the time) 
Are we together because it is easier to do what we have always done?  Is it confusing for our kids for us all to be together after we have talked about divorce?  Maybe yes to both, but each person needs to figure out what works best for them and go with it.  I genuinely enjoyed being with my family and still do.  We have a lot of fun.  I am still trying to figure out how to reconcile that with no longer being married to their Dad.  I will keep you posted.

"But I don’t understand what happened?  Everything seemed fine."

That is the thing about other people’s lives: other than it being absolutely none of your business, you have no idea what is really going on in someone else’s relationship.  It is a very intimate thing- marriage.  There are so many different working parts and even the two parties involved don’t always know what is going on.  Two people who seem perfect may have serious issues and people that appear to hate each other might have a really healthy relationship.  Again, if it isn’t you living it, it isn’t your place to make assumptions.

"But I just asked her how he was doing and she didn't mention it. Are you sure?"

Do you know how awkward it is to answer a question about your husband with “Oh, we are getting a divorce.”?  So I just didn’t do it.  I didn’t want to make other people feel uncomfortable or feel like they needed to pitty me, so for the most part, I didn’t address it.  I plastered on the smile and pretended everything was OK.  I am socially awkward to begin with- throw a divorce in the mix and I just completely shut down.

"Those poor kids."

Yes, divorce sucks.  It really does. It is hard as an adult to hear your child say they would rather be with their Dad when you make them do their chores. That sting will not lessen with time. It is hard on everyone involved, but especially the kids who have no idea why their lives are being turned upside down overnight. 

In the court ordered class about how divorce affects your children, they pretty much dedicate 90% to educating you how much you have screwed your kids up by making this decision.  Did you know that they are now far more inclined to be divorced themselves?  Do you know there is a higher risk of them being involved in criminal activity or otherwise acting out? Do you know that this whole experience can literally just fuck them up?

They are going to be fine.  I know some kick ass adults that are from divorced families.  I know some pretty shitty adults who came from two parent homes.  It is a toss-up.  I will just keep loving them and pray for the best.

"I hear she drinks a lot and is getting around."

I am finally realizing how little of what I have heard about other people is actually true and I feel pretty shitty about believing them and spreading rumors myself… but honestly so what if I was?  I am a grown ass woman and what I do on my time is none of your business.  If it isn’t directly affecting you (which it is not) and it is not harming my children (which it is not), move along!

"Did you hear she took him for his 401K?"

Do you know that Iowa is a no fault state and divorce is 50/50?  I am sensitive to this one because I have made some pretty harsh judgments on people when I had no idea what was really going on.  There is no “lawyering up” when it comes to assets, there is no taking him for what he is worth or getting revenge through money.  It is equal.  Also, divorce is really expensive...so is re-buying every kitchen utensil.  So in summary: no new boobs for this old lady. 

"What was up with her facebook post?"

Dumb.  I hate when I am passive aggressive.  I really wish that I could just never act that way ever, but sometimes all the frustration, sadness and fear bubble to the surface and vauguebooking happens.  I am sorry for these posts.  I was really trying to keep it all in, but sometimes I failed.

Divorce is nasty.  It is hard emotionally, mentally and physically.  The parties are intentionally hurtful to each other pretty much all day every day. For 8 months, I haven’t been able to sleep, focus, or function normally.  The best way to describe it is being a zombie.  A really, really scared, sad zombie.

I have cried and yelled and doubted myself. I have gone through periods of coldness.  I have wanted to run away.

But I have also laughed. 

I found support in some of the most unlikely places. People I did not know well reached out to me, sent me encouraging messages or stopped to tell me they were thinking of me.  I grew closer to the friends that I needed to have. The real kind that love you at your ugliest and would literally do anything to protect you at your weakest.  The kind that aren’t afraid to tell you when you are making poor decisions or hurting yourself or your family.  Everyone needs tough love now and again. 
My family is amazingly supportive and my parents let me move in for periods of time and spent hours shampooing carpets and cleaning my new place.  My sister gave me furniture and all this has helped me feel at home in a new place.
I can’t thank these people enough. You have made life bearable and reminded me that I am still a Mom and a daughter and a sister and a friend and that is enough and worth getting out of bed in the mornings for.

I have also learned.  Divorce has taught me not to talk without knowledge.  It has taught me to be humble.  I judged so harshly.  I felt superior.  Then, the bottom fell out.  It has taught me to be kind.  You never know what battles someone is fighting or what burdens they are carrying.

One of the worst parts for me was keeping it a secret.  My wish is for no one to feel that way.  You don’t owe someone else the courtesy of anonymity.  I am not telling you to air your dirty laundry, but you also don’t need to suffer alone, shoving down emotions.  It is OK to talk about it. If you ever need someone, let me know.  I would be happy to give you terrible advice and help you make ill informed decisions.

http://youtu.be/tzB3JB-0zk4

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Saved

Pastor Tim asked a few months ago for all of us to think of a time when we had been saved. He said we all have one of those stories. The unexplainable push to do or not do something that may have just spared us. I have two very distinct times my life was saved. Once right before I had Blakelyn- 9 months pregnant, standing in a snowy ditch after my car slid off the road, and climbing that ditch with my ginormous, swollen, pregnant body when all I wanted to do was stand at the bottom and cry. I hadn’t really thought why I should climb out of the ditch, but moments later, a car, sliding in the exact same spot, crashed into mine and sent it directly into the path where I had been standing. The second was right after delivery when the bleeding wouldn’t stop and the doctor’s had run in, brought my family in and prepped the OR. Then as quickly as it had all started, it stopped.

The big question for me is why.

As I near my 30th birthday, it has given me an excuse to reflect on my life. I spent nearly all of my 20s trying to appear and act older than I was. I wanted no one to have to pause and do the mental math to figure out I had had a baby right out of high school. I was constantly overcompensating…a Napolean complex of sorts. Anytime anyone did guess my age, they always overshot by at least 5 years and I always took this as a compliment. I had achieved so much in my short life right? I had a good job, a college degree, a home, a child, a husband, a car, minimal debt. Isn’t that what life is about?

My main goal in my 20s, was to achieve success; to make the “Top 30 under 30” list in Grand Island. I worked long hours. I went to class at night to complete my degree. I volunteered for resume building organizations. All of my efforts were focused on building the appearance of success. I was focused on achievements to share with others at the bar when I came home over Thanksgiving break. During these years, I felt powerful. I felt like things were really happening for me and I was on the brink of real success. The thing I wasn’t (if I had stopped to notice), was happy.

We moved two more times and somewhere along the line, I got discouraged. I realized that no matter how many hours I worked or how many presentations I gave or recognition I received, I was empty. It made me realize that I wasn’t going to be fulfilled fulfilling someone else’s mold of success or through work alone. Three years ago, I did a lot of soul searching and re-evaluated the meaning of success. Success is different for everyone and I realized this for the first time. Mine was different too.

The past three years of my life have been as close to successful as possible. Happy. I let go of the past and mistakes I had made (even the really big ones). I forgave others. I moved back to my hometown and committed to living not for work and ego, but for my family and wonderful community. I was home in time for supper and homework. I spent weekends with my family. I volunteered for local organizations because of what they did for the community and others, not what they did for my resume. I started to fill my soul.

For those of you who don’t know, four months ago, I had another reset of sorts. Life as I knew it has changed and as I face my 30th birthday, I am again re-evaluating my life and preparing to start a new chapter. The future is as uncertain for me now as it was the day I moved back home from college, pregnant and ashamed of the future success I had “lost”. The difference this time is I have some wisdom under my belt. I will not fill my life with vacant attempts to appear OK. I will not wish myself older or waste years chasing approval from others.

I have also learned that people are infinitely resilient. Really, what other choice is there? I know that the heaviness of the present can only lead to greater things. It has so many other times in my life following tough times. I’m still working, but I know I am blessed.

I struggle with my faith, but God saved me. As I talk to Him and to my Grandma, I know that there is a reason. Maybe it is to speak what others keep inside, to combat the loneliness and isolation, maybe it is to volunteer where I can, or maybe it is to raise two future leaders in my talented daughters. Maybe it is something yet undiscovered and that I have been blessed with the time to find.

I hope you all have a story about when you were chosen to have more time. I hope you share it. Most importantly, I hope you know there is a reason you are here.